Thursday, 29 November 2012

Moving ahead

I have worked pretty hard in the last couple of weeks....using the Sedona Method to practice detachment  and emotional release. The idea is pretty Buddhist in the sense of letting go of anything that may take over.
This seemed to work pretty well, using the image of a multi layered emotional depth (like-an onion) maybe sometimes a number of layers have to be removed before any effect is noticed.
I have also been pretty rigorous with the ignatian examen which has added a depth

All sorts of things are all tablets, sometimes sleep is better, a lot of the agenda that I declared at beginning of sedona is shifting.
The alcohol ...a real possibility of readily and quickly saying no!!!
I am rather amazed.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

A week

The last week has been significantly better. I have had a mouthful of wine and a chinese beer. Night after night I have got to 5 p.m. and felt a pang....but I have acknowledged it as a pang and moved on.

The only drink I have had have been with others, small wine and a beer as I said. That has enabled me to stop.
The truth is I feel more today like the possibility of total abstinence being a real possibility. Alongside this I have reduced my antedpressants from 2 to 1/2 and will be off them by the end of the week.
This is a risky strategy but seems to be working...obviously my sleep pattern is  a bit whacky but I want also to get back to natural sleep and want to be able to reduce sleeping tablets which are not without their side effects.(Presently taking 10 mgms nocte)
But that's for next week!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Bit better

The last week has been a  bit bad.
But I have been clear for a few days now. Last night was close. I had it rationalised (5 usual) that when K came home she and I could enjoy a drink together. At least that would mean that I would only drink half a bottle. But she of course should drink nothing at all, and maybe (just maybe) I decided not to do it when I realised I would be using her to drag myself down.
The house is still disgusting. Am I making headway? Doesn't really feel like it.
Strange dreams last night...very churchy about getting dressed up in gaudy vestments
I think it's telling me that it all looks stupid to other people, and it is no reason to make decisions.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Very patchy

It's been very patchy in the last few weeks. After a time away when I was forced not to drink (because of unavailability)  I felt really well.  There couldn't have been a clearer indication of the way forward!
But I have played all sorts of games with myself.
Had a couple of periods (usually no more than a couple of days) when I have not drunk...but that is usually rationalised.
I keep saying to myself ...I would like to be able to drink moderately. The truth is I can't. Once I start it is over.
I MUST give up completely.
So today......once again...I make that commitment.
To be fair...things are a bit better. But I am not there yet.

Saturday, 18 August 2012

It does need to be said

That today is 18 August and I have not had any drink since the events of last Saturday night.
So it will be a week tonight.
I do realize that the alcohol was filling a hole.....and emotional hole....the hole was getting bigger and bigger. To pursue the image...the drinking was getting earlier and earlier.
I think I am almost at the point where I have stopped. No doubt there will be intermediate cravings....but there have been surprisingly few twinges...a couple, but the emotional momentum of this awful time for my daughter has pushed me harder.
So good for me...Not so good for her But she is also a big girl. She has a similar hole...and I suspect that she has not stopped drinking.  More important for her than for me
I doubt, quite often, just whether I can do this.  Every day seems to have a challenge...and I dread the thought of getting up. But I have.
I need not to be boastful. I do need to recognize there is a way to go. But my desire is for K, but I can't do it for her.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Minor victory-saving what I can

It is at least now August 14 and I have not drunk since August 11
The impetus has been the disasters of the last few at least something is salvaged.
I have panicked. I have felt like crap. But I also feel physically better....and I can lecture my daughter about how she must do the doesn't seem like she has heard, and I understand that. All I can do is try and stand by her
In the midst of the sadness (which could have been far worse...but that is little consolation) there is one good thing that has come out of it. I have been able to speak with a touch of honesty and openness about my love and Concern for her. I know this may be thin, and pray that it may be stronger.
I feel pretty done over by it all, and doubt my capacity to deal with it. Amidst all this last week on retreat I was being told that Christ already is within me...and that I have to live out of that
After sixty years you would think I should understand what that might mean. But I doubt my capacity to do it . Let alone understand wha it means in reality. I want it to be true. But am all too aware of my lack of faith.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Crunch point

There is a crunch point tonight
It's got to be the end
While I got close to stopping
I didn't
And though I made the usual rules
No drinking alone
No daytime drinking     Only two drinks
Yarda Yarda .....
I broke them all
Then there were two car incidents
S had a small bang and was pretty upset
Nothing major
And I can think my way through it
Then at 4 K has been on the phone
She got pulled over
Immediate suspension
History repeats itself
I a least can advise her
She. Has to stop now
And so must I
I must stop thinking every problem and circumstance is about me
On one level it is
But of course her problem is not mine
She has to stop now
And I must lead by example
A good side will be
And can be
That this might be the impetus
There is not a lot to salvage out of tonight
No one has been killed!
And iris not about me
Bt maybe I can use it
This all feels very Job like
Things were going well
But I had slipped into complacency
And presumption
That All Will be Well
Meant that it could still do wrong

For the bad and addictive behaviours I passed on
I am sorry and ask forgiveness o God
Show me a way through
I need to snatch some short sleep

Friday, 13 July 2012

Mild modification

I guess the only thing I can really say is that things are slightly....only slightly...better
I am certainly not out of the woods. But I am not buying gin every day, and sometime I can say no
Yesterday was not one of those is Friday ...the rubbish comes today
On Wednesday I had bought a box of wine...and a bottle of scotch
On Tuesday I had bought sherry and a bottle of gin. I drank about a third of e bottle before bed during the night I decided I would flush the contents...and I did
But Wednesday I bought the stupid whiskey and the wine. I steeld myself to throw them out in the rubbish...then at least I knew if I was going to recover them I would have admit to myself that I was going through the garbage.
And I did. I am a drunk
Started drinking at midday and couldn't stop. Had to visit a seriously ill person and hoped I didn't smell like a drunk....of course I did. Went out to had driven probably illegally ...even had wine with dinner
Had a meeting in the evening and got there early and fell asleep in the car. In
In the end I couldn't go in and went home. I drank some more..and finally went to bed
At least at 4a.m. I snuck out and put the box and e scotch in the rubbish bin
It has to be over today.
Even as I write this I am aware that J is coming over next week to have a drink. He has serious talking to do. So I can't fob him off
At the very least I have got to do better...and not drink by myself
Couple of rules
No lone drinking
No drinking during the day
No drinking and driving
Two drinks should be it...the KSC advice given to me by a naval guy...only two
If I could do that there would ntbe a problem....I really fear that the answer can only be NONE

Monday, 14 May 2012

Oh dear!

Was going quite well. Went out to dinner on Saturday and had three tiny drinks. Probably less than a standard drink.
Then yesterday, I got stuck at home . On Saturday knocking the edge off had already made me obsess about the Gin I few away . But I didn't retrieve it. Then on Sunday did ! What an idiot.
I got stranded at home without a car, and discovered a new chat site. It was a bit hair raising.
Anonymous, but constantly reflecting that I am really old!!!
So the two are intertwined again. Alcohol being used to knock the edge off promiscuity. And desperate feelings of loneliness. It is not good to be alone
So my heads thmping and i am using panadol...not really bad but bad enough to slow me down and make it feel like migraine.
I hate that I have got trapped back into sex without intimacy. And that I don't seem to be able be stimulated without porn. And that Interwoven in all this is booze, which constantly diminishes my crItical factors
I seem so fucking patHetic, and my quality of life seems crappier than shit.....and no prospects of improving
The alcohol both 'improves' and diminishes this. By and large it is a cause and not a solution
Ad it is this intImacy stuff that is much more important
It is not good to be alone.....and I am so alone

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Had done well

Went for over a week. Even refused wine with dinner on Thursday and told my host I had stopped. Then went to lunch on Friday at an Irish pub and was offered a guiness and hummed and hashed...but it was ok.
It diminished me enough to think I could have a drinking night and dd...and of course it wAs too much. Another half bottle of gin. Feck!!
I am not going to pour the gin down the sink I am going to throw the bottle in the bin. Then at least if I have to ferret around to retrieve it I will know I am a drunk who goes through the bin
Have to go to dinner tonight. Have bought wine....bought it when. I got the gin....or the other way round.
I will take it...but I will not drink....this will be hard
Have a bit of a head thumper today.
And it serves me right

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

A bit better

Went for a whole week last week, then had a few drinks on Friday....a mistake of course.
At least I realized this and have now had three clear days of my own volition.
There is a lot going on in my life at this time but it seems to be manageable.
I have more or less decided to stay put where I am for he next few years, and this has been some what liberating.
I wish that things were better financially and socially , but running away is not pa rticularly going to he,lp that
Probably the reverse So that's where the freedom has come

Saturday, 7 April 2012

Almost made it

I thought that I had almost made a week...but I defeated myself. Knowingly and willingly, and dare I say sinfully ....though I a trying to keep that sort of loaded language out of this. What happened? I started to get Pangs when I was cooking a meal for my sister. In fact as I was on my down there I was feeling a bit resentful that I was having to go at all when I could have been home getting smashed. Any way we had a couple of glasses of was revolting stuff ...tasted like vinegar. I couldn't wait to get home so I could have a proper drink. Now let me say this again! I am not a person who can drink. I have no sense of proportion. I can't stop. And Fuck! I lay in bed this morning thinking .....What did I write in that letter to my boss while I was pissed out of my brain? Thank goodness when I checked it was all fairly innocuous . Today I have a busy day! And though I feel a bit fuzzy thank God I am not really hung over And so, I beGin again. God give me strength.

Sunday, 1 April 2012


Heading up for the second day in a row!
Had to self-talk a bit in the late afternoon, as I watched a movie about people having fun drinking, I felt real pangs. This is maniacal, they were not drinking properly or well. And I longed for the short term thrill. This is mad, I thought. Thank goodness there was someone else here...and thank goodness I didnt waste anther $60 on gin that I would have to pour down the sink after the morning guilts.
So a small victory

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Four weeks

It has been a while since the last post. Today is week 4 and it is difficult to look back and see that I have been successful in any way what soever. In fact I have probably been worse.
Yesterday, knowing that I was at a danger point I bought two bottles of gin...I also advised someone who was having a little trouble (how would I know if she was having trouble just because she told me she wasn't drinking too much doesn't mean she was telling the truth we drunks are all deceptive and liars!)Any way the last third of one bottle and an unopened bottle got poured down the sink...and an open bottle of red and the last of a cask of wine
Any way, I must begin again. That is the advice I gave that woman, and it is my own advice.
Danger time is late afternoon
I need to heed my diverted, visualize a Stop to myself about the real consequences of what is happening and what I am doing
I can lick this. I am conscious of all Sorts of things about sin. I do the thing that I hate. The more I try the more I fail. The need to acknowledge that I need to source e spiritual strength from without as well as within. And ere is a real sense of dealing with a demon
I don't like that sort of narrow b/s but it does seem real enough to be a person and possessive. And I have cried out...and all sorts of things have happened. I am more comfortable in my own skin...because of course the al reason I drink is so that I don't have to feel guilty abo being a poof.
Glad I told C & M the othER day, although it was a bit spontaneous and unplanned. He was a bit shocked. And I told PK probably because I was drunk
That's a big thing about the drunkenness ....I have been writing mad emails and letters.
I will eventually do something I regret in thAt regard.
I can do this. I want to be an alcohol free zone. I am never going to be able to just have one drink. I don't want to do rehab
O lord if this is a prayer to you. And it is! Then hear it.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Two weeks

To be sure to be sure! (it is St Pat's Day after all) it has been two weeks since I started this blog.
A bit of a roller coaster, but I am probably better than I was. Have probably not managed to abstain for half the time. But to put it another way. It does mean I have managed to not drink for some of the time.
I crashed again yesterday, and bought alcohol. This morning it got poured down the sink...again!  I am such an idiot.
If nothing else I must eventually run out of money.
Any way I was not well last night after I went to bed...a combination of drinking and not eating...and then eating too late.
I had a busy day today...had to get going. By the time I reached my first destination and did the few set-up things I felt like crap...and came home and went back to bed.
It is now 2 in the afternoon...I don't have that much to do; but I had allowed myself till 4 any way.
I feel not too bad. Just hope I sleep tonight

So the two weeks.

  • I still consider myself to be recovering even though I have not been abstinent, but everything seems more under control than it was.
  • I need to be careful that this just doesn't become a rationalisation, I don't think it has. Every time I pour gin down the sink I am confronting something!
  • I know that when I don't drink, I actually feel physically well...or at least better than normal
  • And when I do head aches, my gut aches and my bones ache.
  • If I am going to live...then I have to stick with this
  • My sex drive seems to have become what's that all about?
Where is God in all this? I cry out, and God seems quiet. But in  the last 6 weeks one of my desperate prayers was "God you must do something about this"
As I attest I am some what better certainly not perfect...then that prayer has begun to be answered.
One thing has been clear...God has been saying to me that he will heal me, but he will not overwhelm me. And if I want to be well, then I've got to do it too.  This is a new level of spiritual awareness for me. 

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

A clear day

First one for a while

Badly rationalized !

I did note some days ago that a drunk can rationalize anything . So yes I have drunk
Yes I have bought quite a lot of booze.

I have drunk quite a lot of it.
Ad I have tipped a lot of it down the toilet in the mornings when i feel more moral
It's an expensive and not very bright exercise I still don't get why I have not got the will power to not be stupid!
Any way. I went to bed late, I slept really poorly and it's 630. I feel like shit and wonder how I will get through the day. Part of me is saying that I deserve this.
So I have all this self awareness but I still do the thing that I hate. The is some bigger dynamic going on here, and that's a bit scary . If it were just about not drinking alcohol, if it was about Trying to deal with being gay....but I don't think it's with of these things at the core.
Is it, God, that I cry out to you and nothing happens. And so I have this Angst....that my life has been a fucking waste
It is not that I do not believe, i want to,believe that there is more going on....maybe I am afeared that there is not. It's all just crap
Anyhow I do objectively feel that I don't want to,continue like this....I don't like the aura of hangover ormofmage. C said a few months ago...I don't want to drink like that any more. For me it means I can't drink at all
So today God, Jesus, Holy Spirit....please just give grace, energy and health to deal with how I'm feeling..
One stupid thing is that I have to,stop emailing and making mad decisions when I'm drunk. The more perceptive will note if they haven't already that my life is falling apart. I am not quite ready for that anomaly to,happen. And I desperately don't want to hit rock bottom before I actually can turn around. It is such a cliche

Monday, 12 March 2012

Wish I was doing better

I am feeling OK, but not resisting the booze.
This is really hard. There is no doubt that if you have an 'addictive personality' then one thing will just replace another.
And it is very easy to rationalise almost anything to do with addiction. I wish I could just stop....but not quite there yet

Sunday, 11 March 2012

I am not doing well

It is day 7/8 and as I write this I am blotto. Smashed out of my mind on gin, I am watching porn....a guy sucking a cock...which I wish I was sucking too!!!
This may surprise you
There is no doubt in my mind that what has fucked with my mind all these years is that I am a faggot!!!! And proud of it!
Many years ago I went to confession and the priest asked me "Do you want to stop being homosexual?"
For once in my life I was clear.   "No!" was my answer
But the cost of my being gay is that I also have to be a drunk. I feel sufficiently guilty that I have to be drunk in order to fuck another guy.
I want it to be different I want to have sex with one of my own.....a gay guy...and not feel like a fucking freak.
I am now quite old, in my 50s....and I want to fuck and not be drunk
And I ask myself  (and you God)  why can't I just have someone to love?

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Whacky old day and a couple of graces

So any way, as I said in the last post, I am glad I didn't feel like shit this morning after yesterday's lapse. BUT I have felt so tired, could barely get out of bed this morning. I half suspect that my medication got stuck last night (it does sometimes) and then went through this morning, so instead of sleeping well last night...I have felt like sleeping all day.
During the course of this whacky day I had two insightful things happen.  Richard Fidler was interviewing US filmmaker Broderick Fox (here) who spoke about the alcoholic collapse of his life. And I realise that I am not the only one who has this issue.  Of course I know this. But it was good to do it.
The there was a blog I came across...writer Kristian Johns...almost exactly the same.
Both of them talking about "pouring alcohol down the throat" not for the taste..but for the ever decreasing effect.
It at least reminds me that many of us are in trouble with addiction, and we can't always control it.

It's now  5 p.m.. So this is danger time. But I'm going to be OK.

A major lapse

Yesterday was day 5/6
Everything was going quite well
I'd been to Dr psych in the morning and told him how I was going. To be sure he always seems sceptical about total,abstinence. Who knows what that's about, I half suspect he is telling me that he has difficulty himself
I had a funny afternoon shifting S's belongings from her flat and then on the way home I became overtaken by the "it's 5 o'clock mentality!" and bought two bottles of gin on the way home! Yes two...because it was cheaper to buy two . I realized it was madness on both counts. Mad to buy one...even if I was allowing myself a little indulgence. Totally insane to buy 2 in order to save $2 and lock myself in
And I had to decide to do it, I almost drove past the shop....(I did in fact choose to drive away from three other bottleshops)  But the fourth one got me.
At home I told myself two drinks and no more. Then I chilled e it up,in a jug and realised I had poured a quarter of a bottle.
Thank god I don't feel like total shitbthis morning...only partially
There is a lot of stuff going on here

  • The 5 o'clock danger time
  • Feeling tired
  • Disappointment because S and I weren't going to the pics
  • The cheapskate buying stuff because it was cheaper,  when  I shouldn't have bought at all
  • The amazement thatat I didn't get immediately smashed and thought therefore it was ok

Now I have to live with two bottles of gin....I feel I should be able to...but of course I can't
I'm inclined to think I'll lock one awayq, and finish the one I opened.......probably a mistake

I still count this as a day of awareness and therefore I am still on the program.
It is a lapse, not a total failure. I think this is an important realisation

Monday, 5 March 2012

Holding in there just

Its 5 pm on day 3 and I am aware that this is the time I rationalize best, or worst, depending on perspective. I have held in....this is a grace.
I have done this with smoking before. Perhaps never quite so alone, and I had a great sense of purpose....we had just become pregnant. I struggled for about 3 years, and am glad I succeeded.
I guess this struggle is no less important. Maybe even more so. I don't feel particularly well, but I guess I will.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

A good thing to do

I took the bottle of white that sits 'benignly' in the fridge out. I will never drink warm white wine!

Day 2----OOps

It's after 7p.m. Which is always danger time. All sorts of rationalitsations are going on in my mind.

  • I can handle one small drink
  • I could drink long as I don't drink spirits
  • I have been to this place before and it doesn't matter if I fail again
  • I can start again tomorrow
  • No one is watching
  • It's not as if I'm going to drive
  • I've had one clear day so it's OK to just have one drink
Thank God that all this sounds so pathetic and shallow. I am still not  sure that I will manage this tonight.

Let me affirm!
  • This is a time of great gift
  • Not drinking is a blessing not a curse
  • I am saving my life not diminishing it
  • All the above excuses are exactly that, excuses
  • I have had long periods in my life ....even not so long ago...when I have not drunk for months
  • I can do this
This is a time of great gift. This is God moving in my life. Inviting me to respond to God alone. I'll blog more about the faith dimensions of all this soon.
But for now...this is good!

Sorry to be boring...Day 2!!!!

It is some time since I have been able to get through one day without a drink, even despite good intents, so I feel goodto have done it. I did have to take a sleeping pill, but it has worked well. I have probably had 7 hours sleep, which is in itself amazing.
It is a real gift and for that I am cautiously thankful to God and to myself
I think one of the things I have to do today is prune the drinking glasses. Yes, get rid of all those martini glasses and wine glasses that I so love to drink from. Anything I can do to reinforce a new pattern is good.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Day 1!

I don't know if I am 'technically' an alcoholic. Some days it seems clearer than others. This week as I threw away the second bottle of gin I had bought this week I suspect I was more ready to admit the truth.