Monday, 14 May 2012

Oh dear!

Was going quite well. Went out to dinner on Saturday and had three tiny drinks. Probably less than a standard drink.
Then yesterday, I got stuck at home . On Saturday knocking the edge off had already made me obsess about the Gin I few away . But I didn't retrieve it. Then on Sunday did ! What an idiot.
I got stranded at home without a car, and discovered a new chat site. It was a bit hair raising.
Anonymous, but constantly reflecting that I am really old!!!
So the two are intertwined again. Alcohol being used to knock the edge off promiscuity. And desperate feelings of loneliness. It is not good to be alone
So my heads thmping and i am using panadol...not really bad but bad enough to slow me down and make it feel like migraine.
I hate that I have got trapped back into sex without intimacy. And that I don't seem to be able be stimulated without porn. And that Interwoven in all this is booze, which constantly diminishes my crItical factors
I seem so fucking patHetic, and my quality of life seems crappier than shit.....and no prospects of improving
The alcohol both 'improves' and diminishes this. By and large it is a cause and not a solution
Ad it is this intImacy stuff that is much more important
It is not good to be alone.....and I am so alone

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Had done well

Went for over a week. Even refused wine with dinner on Thursday and told my host I had stopped. Then went to lunch on Friday at an Irish pub and was offered a guiness and hummed and hashed...but it was ok.
It diminished me enough to think I could have a drinking night and dd...and of course it wAs too much. Another half bottle of gin. Feck!!
I am not going to pour the gin down the sink I am going to throw the bottle in the bin. Then at least if I have to ferret around to retrieve it I will know I am a drunk who goes through the bin
Have to go to dinner tonight. Have bought wine....bought it when. I got the gin....or the other way round.
I will take it...but I will not drink....this will be hard
Have a bit of a head thumper today.
And it serves me right

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

A bit better

Went for a whole week last week, then had a few drinks on Friday....a mistake of course.
At least I realized this and have now had three clear days of my own volition.
There is a lot going on in my life at this time but it seems to be manageable.
I have more or less decided to stay put where I am for he next few years, and this has been some what liberating.
I wish that things were better financially and socially , but running away is not pa rticularly going to he,lp that
Probably the reverse So that's where the freedom has come