Saturday, 18 August 2012

It does need to be said

That today is 18 August and I have not had any drink since the events of last Saturday night.
So it will be a week tonight.
I do realize that the alcohol was filling a hole.....and emotional hole....the hole was getting bigger and bigger. To pursue the image...the drinking was getting earlier and earlier.
I think I am almost at the point where I have stopped. No doubt there will be intermediate cravings....but there have been surprisingly few twinges...a couple, but the emotional momentum of this awful time for my daughter has pushed me harder.
So good for me...Not so good for her But she is also a big girl. She has a similar hole...and I suspect that she has not stopped drinking.  More important for her than for me
I doubt, quite often, just whether I can do this.  Every day seems to have a challenge...and I dread the thought of getting up. But I have.
I need not to be boastful. I do need to recognize there is a way to go. But my desire is for K, but I can't do it for her.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Minor victory-saving what I can

It is at least now August 14 and I have not drunk since August 11
The impetus has been the disasters of the last few at least something is salvaged.
I have panicked. I have felt like crap. But I also feel physically better....and I can lecture my daughter about how she must do the doesn't seem like she has heard, and I understand that. All I can do is try and stand by her
In the midst of the sadness (which could have been far worse...but that is little consolation) there is one good thing that has come out of it. I have been able to speak with a touch of honesty and openness about my love and Concern for her. I know this may be thin, and pray that it may be stronger.
I feel pretty done over by it all, and doubt my capacity to deal with it. Amidst all this last week on retreat I was being told that Christ already is within me...and that I have to live out of that
After sixty years you would think I should understand what that might mean. But I doubt my capacity to do it . Let alone understand wha it means in reality. I want it to be true. But am all too aware of my lack of faith.

Sunday, 12 August 2012

Crunch point

There is a crunch point tonight
It's got to be the end
While I got close to stopping
I didn't
And though I made the usual rules
No drinking alone
No daytime drinking     Only two drinks
Yarda Yarda .....
I broke them all
Then there were two car incidents
S had a small bang and was pretty upset
Nothing major
And I can think my way through it
Then at 4 K has been on the phone
She got pulled over
Immediate suspension
History repeats itself
I a least can advise her
She. Has to stop now
And so must I
I must stop thinking every problem and circumstance is about me
On one level it is
But of course her problem is not mine
She has to stop now
And I must lead by example
A good side will be
And can be
That this might be the impetus
There is not a lot to salvage out of tonight
No one has been killed!
And iris not about me
Bt maybe I can use it
This all feels very Job like
Things were going well
But I had slipped into complacency
And presumption
That All Will be Well
Meant that it could still do wrong

For the bad and addictive behaviours I passed on
I am sorry and ask forgiveness o God
Show me a way through
I need to snatch some short sleep