Wednesday, 10 October 2012

A week

The last week has been significantly better. I have had a mouthful of wine and a chinese beer. Night after night I have got to 5 p.m. and felt a pang....but I have acknowledged it as a pang and moved on.

The only drink I have had have been with others, small wine and a beer as I said. That has enabled me to stop.
The truth is I feel more today like the possibility of total abstinence being a real possibility. Alongside this I have reduced my antedpressants from 2 to 1/2 and will be off them by the end of the week.
This is a risky strategy but seems to be working...obviously my sleep pattern is  a bit whacky but I want also to get back to natural sleep and want to be able to reduce sleeping tablets which are not without their side effects.(Presently taking 10 mgms nocte)
But that's for next week!

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Bit better

The last week has been a  bit bad.
But I have been clear for a few days now. Last night was close. I had it rationalised (5 usual) that when K came home she and I could enjoy a drink together. At least that would mean that I would only drink half a bottle. But she of course should drink nothing at all, and maybe (just maybe) I decided not to do it when I realised I would be using her to drag myself down.
The house is still disgusting. Am I making headway? Doesn't really feel like it.
Strange dreams last night...very churchy about getting dressed up in gaudy vestments
I think it's telling me that it all looks stupid to other people, and it is no reason to make decisions.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Very patchy

It's been very patchy in the last few weeks. After a time away when I was forced not to drink (because of unavailability)  I felt really well.  There couldn't have been a clearer indication of the way forward!
But I have played all sorts of games with myself.
Had a couple of periods (usually no more than a couple of days) when I have not drunk...but that is usually rationalised.
I keep saying to myself ...I would like to be able to drink moderately. The truth is I can't. Once I start it is over.
I MUST give up completely.
So today......once again...I make that commitment.
To be fair...things are a bit better. But I am not there yet.